• 2 eggs (whisked)
  • Two sweet potatoes
  • Half a cup of almond flour
  • Half a cup of grated parmesan
  • One large cooking apple
  • One pear
  • A handful of baby tomatoes
  • 4-5 cloves of garlic, smashed
  • 2 teaspoons each of cinnamon and nutmeg
  • Two handfuls of greens (we used lamb lettuce and baby spinach)


Hammer your pork (fnarr fnarr) and dip into the seasoned egg mixture.
Turn on your oven to 170-200C. Spray some oil into a large pan before dredging it into the mixed (and yes, seasoned again) almond and parmesan mixture before adding it to the pan on a medium-low heat. Too hot and you’ll burn f*ck out of the coating, too low and your pan will be filled with white juices (not saying anything…not saying anything..)

This is really important: don’t f*cking touch them! If you’re constantly flipping and nturning them then the coating will come off in whatever kitchen implement you using to flip and turn them and unless you’re going to eat that kitchen implement I’d suggest turning each piece only once so let them cook for 10-15 minutes at a time (use your discretion obiviously *puppy dog eyes*).
Peel and chop the sweet potato and apple then add to a microwave proof dish and cover. Nuke them until soft and mushy then mash ‘em up with nutmeg and cinnamon. Mash ‘em up real nice. Vent that anger and rage upon them! The smoother the better.

When you’ve filled your pan with cooking meat crush the garlic cloves and mix with the toms before adding a bit of oil and then sticking them on a foil or lined tray then sticking them in the oven. Wash your green and drain and after 5 minutes your toms will be nice and sexy. Add them to the greens with whatever oils and juices come with them.

Slice your pear into half a cm (1/4 inch) slices and add them flat to a non-stick pan. When possible, spoon out some of the meat juice and add them to the pears while on a very low heat. What we want to do is caramelise the pear slices with the meat juices. When they turn translucent, flip them and take off the heat. Any more than that and you’re risking mush.
Ok the serving sexiness:

If you’ve got a chefs ring (snigger) you can use that but heaped and shaped table spoons (two wet tablespoons, one curving over the other) will work too.
Mash goes in the middle, then the parmesan pork (sliced into two pieces) and topped with two criss-crossed pear slices. The salad goes around it like a veggi moat, dress the plate with any pan juices and….*deep breath*, you’re done!
Go enjoy that sexiness